Playfully engaging with children, especially in matters of discipline and parenting is sometimes mistaken as being permissive. But, playful parenting most often leads to more cooperation and listening. It is possible to be playful and set meaningful parenting limits.
Playfully connecting with a child fuels cooperation and a child’s sense of capability.
You can also use playfulness with your child to:
- reduce power struggles
- help a child accomplish a task with enthusiasm
- acknowledge and overcome fears and worries
- change boring tasks into fun moments
- help siblings get along
- avoid tantrums and meltdowns
- set limits that are kind and clear
Here are two examples of using playful parenting without being permissive.
Playful Parenting: Fantasy and Story Telling to Fuel Cooperation
When a child, age 4, decided he no longer wanted to have his hair washed. Instead of engaging in a power struggle, I tried to listen to his concerns. He was worried about the water in his eyes. This new issue also coincided with the birth of his sister. When a sibling is born, preschoolers can have a hard time adjusting.
Understanding the child needed connection and reassurance, start telling him a story about some sand gnomes. Little gnomes that magically appeared into a little boys head one night. It took three minutes of telling this cute story of mighty sand gnomes, castles and the special powers of soap and water to change our situation around.
My goal was to get hair washed, my son needed some extra validation and love. Play helped us both. Win-Win! Although it was an added step to be playful, it was nevertheless much faster to help him feel in a bit more in charge of something that was not a favorite event for him.
Permissive, would have been to skip the hair washing. That was not negotiable in that moment for our specific situation. (Another day it may haven been okay, family values and context will always play a role here too!)
Instead, the intention of being playful validated his feelings and helped the child feel loved and cared for. In this process, the child also learned that it was safe to tell us parents his worries and that we could find solutions together.
Playful Parenting: Setting Limits with a Game
Here is another example of how using playful parenting can help us set a reasonable limit without having to resort to nagging, yelling or rewarding:
A few years ago, both of my boys liked running at preschool pick up, from their classroom door up to the exit gate. Beyond the gate was a busy parking lot. It was important to me and to the boys safety that they did not run beyond that gate.
At the time, a three year old was having a tough time containing his excitement. It was just so hard not to run beyond that gate. To instill in both boys and especially the youngest the importance of stopping right at the gate and waiting for the parent, we started playing “Red light, Green Light.” This gave both boys a chance to practice running while still pay attention to a stopping que. Parent played at home, at the park and finally at preschool. Both boys totally understood the limit of the gate and the game served as a friendly reminder not to run too far. Even their friends started joining in and enjoying the game each day.
This playful strategy eliminated daily reminders that they must wait for their parent or not run. Over time, the parents did not even need to say “red light” as waiting right at the gate became a habit. Permissive would have been to allow the running out the gate and hope for the best. Play instead helped us build a sense of trust.
